Sitting at home

This past week I kind of pushed back blogging and I am not sure why. I think it is because I found myself a little overwhelmed by my surroundings. This is my second year returning to New Orleans for service and I wasn't sure what to expect. Yeah my first time around was fantastic, but what was going to happen when I went back? To be honest it didn't even hit me. Not sitting at the airport, or on the plain, not even stepping into United Saints.
Sitting in my room now I am seriously rushing with all kinds of thoughts and emotions and regretting not allowing myself to transfer all these thoughts on words throughout the week. But I don't want to live in the past because I honestly did not feel ready back then. I was at a lost for words. The first few days where tough because I kept trying to keep up with everyone's enthusiasm and joy. I was stuck in an emotional limbo. Yet, something in me changed at some point. And as I spent the day reflecting on my last week, I understand what caused this magnificent change in me. And what I mean by reflecting today, I mean full on reflection. Of my approximate ten hours of homework I had planned for the day, I didn't even spend a minute on it. I couldn't bring myself to do it because finding the answers was just too important and I don't regret a single minute of just   sitting and thinking.
It is no secret that everyone in our group had a special connection even before the trip itself that was hard to explain. I mean, here are 36 high school students from every background imaginable and still, throughout our ten months of preparation for the trip, hard work, and service, we became a well oiled machine that just worked. There really is no other way of putting it. We could work well together and no one else seemed to understand. It is the connection that is made not by words but by actions.
Those first few days down there I thought to myself, why am I not feeling anything? I had reached the conclusion that it was because I already knew everyone too well and those understandings and connections that we made through our actions had lost their touch. I felt like everyone was already perfect in their own way and that they all got it and that is why we worked so well. It got to the point where I felt like no one was getting anything out of the trip. But today I realized that I have never been more wrong in my entire life. Today, it really hit me. It hit me straight in the face with no compassion or warning.
Today it occurred to me the real meaning of our trip and it directly connects back to a quote that has had its share of time on back but now I have understood its real meaning. "The best way to find yourself is to loose yourself in the service of others." No other person but Gandhi could have said it any better. Not just finding your true self but changing yourself. And there is no mystery more amazingly inexplicable than watching people that you thought you knew change into people that just simply get it in front of your eyes. I am so honored to have witnessed this true change in my friends throughout the week.
From the least unexpected person in our group came the key to what we do and why we do it. Before service had a different meaning and it was another way to bring self satisfaction, and it was a way to even make your own life better. But after spending a week lending a hand to people you don't know and will never see ever again, in a place that you probably will never visit again for the rest of your life, it becomes clear to you that service is not a tool to make you feel good about yourself because it makes it seem like you are making a difference in the world. It is used for the benefit of a person, or an animal, or a place, or a community. We do what we do to not for self gratification but for the benefit of that cat whose cage hadn't been cleaned that day, or that dog who needs company, or that woman who has not lived in her house since hurricane Katrina because it is in serious needs of repair and she has no money to afford it.
While listening to these wise words come out of this person I was struck by the maturity and understanding that was present now in that person but not present before. And that is when it hit me. It is this week of just service and goofing and talking around with friends the catalysts that opens your eyes and allows you to see the world as it truly is.
We should be grateful because we are the lucky ones that get to see experience the real meaning of service, friendship, and overall humanity.